Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
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Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
I drew y’all a little something.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere