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*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again