Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
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If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.