Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
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“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Good morning
dictator is short for richard potato
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.