Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
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“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
I am yelling
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel