doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
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I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
These 3D printers are insane!
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Well, this explains it:
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
This is me 🤣🤣
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.