Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
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I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now