[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
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cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
The two types of wives
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills