The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
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The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you