Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
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“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Expect the unexporcupine.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
The future is now.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
For the baby who has everything
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do