Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
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me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.