Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
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Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Me My dog
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart