Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
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I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
These work great until they don’t.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.