Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
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Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*