@WilliamAder: Wile E. Coyote's Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
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@girl_a_whirl: [Exorcism] Priest: What is your name? Demon: Jim Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim? Demon: Nice legs Carol Wife: Let's keep him. Next...
@LizHackett: I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: "If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends."
@kiel_phillips: ME: I'd like to return a defective boomerang SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it? ME: I have no idea
@seamussaid: the owl's distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats