Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
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6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
nature’s most graceful animal
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.