Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
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[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Omg 🤣
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money