Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
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Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!