What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
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My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
[loses house key, starts a new life]
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.