Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
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What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!