Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
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WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton