Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
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ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?