Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
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Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
<—- homeless romantic
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket