Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
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to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
My last name is Zilla.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.