Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
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*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
the Monday after daylight savings
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!