will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
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Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?