[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
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H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Ok who’s got my black socks?
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully