@IslandsJunk: Win a Canadian marathon by putting a door just before the finish line and having them all wait for you to go through first.
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@semenphantom: *opens door to show you my enormous stash of apples* "The doctors will attack soon, and I will be the only one prepared."
@just1fool: The last beer didn't tell me why life is so confusing but it told me the next one would.
@Turbo_Jimmy: "Ok Noah, that's 2 of everything! Did I see a 3rd sheep in your office tho?" Nope "Yea I did, it had lipstick on?" Nope, raise the anchor
@UberFacts: A mentally ill man shot himself in the head as a suicide attempt. The bullet cured his disorder and he became a straight-A college student.