@IslandsJunk: Win a Canadian marathon by putting a door just before the finish line and having them all wait for you to go through first.
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@internetluke: *as girl walks in* 98, 99, *grunts* 100 "Wow, push-ups?" Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
@Baxterbix: Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I'm not movin'.
@Schmoodles: I often find myself rewording a long tweet so many times that it completely loses the original subject. This one started off about a cat.
@OhSweetCharity: If you love someone, set them free. When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.