Do men still open car doors?
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cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
My background check bounced.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
This guy’s not having it 😆
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.