Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
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Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
The old gods are rising again.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
My first child will be named New Folder.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
True
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water