Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
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I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend