“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
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A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Breaking news:
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were