Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
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If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us