Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
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Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.