Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
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Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
so i’m at the stock market right
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.