@sweetg35: Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
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@LionJenkins: Autocorrect just changed "Selfies" to "Selfless" so I just took a picture without me in it.
@tonyhawk: girl at restaurant: "Are you Tony Hawk?" me: "Yes." her: "Why?" I had no idea how to answer.
@danjan13: A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah's ark.
@sarcasticmommy4: 13: Mom, you look younger every day. M: What do you want? 13: A new skateboard. M: How young? 13: 29 M: Done.