You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
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🚲+physics = winner
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
nobody’s gonna understand
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.