@ericsshadow: Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a "who wants to sleep on the couch" contest.
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@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote "I ain't afraid of no ghosts" ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
@tomipuff: I wish cartoons would have prepared me for working and doing taxes instead of, like, quicksand
@DaddyJew: Judge: order in the court, ORDER IN THE COURT Me on the witness stand:*lips pressed against the mic* 2 hot dogs and a milkshake, your honor
@NervousJr: "Ugh, you're so obsessed with me." Boss: "I just asked why you're twenty minutes late?"