@ericsshadow: Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a "who wants to sleep on the couch" contest.
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@MrGeorgeWallace: Y'all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of "spees" is stingin' and bitin' you and shit
@BlindChow: *tree falls in the forest* *tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn't look like an idiot*
@SirEviscerate: HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo... ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
@Brianhopecomedy: Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I'm hoping that she's having an affair.