@ericsshadow: Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a "who wants to sleep on the couch" contest.
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@hipstermermaid: "The Shining" is my favorite documentary about what happens when you don't have an Internet connection.
@rad_milk: the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like "sure what the hell" and grabbed a couple pieces
@mjkspeaks: [at ER] ME: my stomach hurts. DOC: have you been able to eat anything today? ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.