Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
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Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco