Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
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Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.