@AudreyPorne: Winter sex: "Let's do this". *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
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@bingowings14: Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir. Man in car: But that's a balloon. Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it'll soon be a dog.
@djdarrellripley: Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away... Me: Doesn't everyone?
@ZBH94: *On deathbed* Me: Will someone make that beeping stop? Wife: I GOT IT!!!! *pulls plug* Nurse: You only had to press the mute. Wife: I know.