Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
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My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks