Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
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[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.