@secondofhername: Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
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@ThingsJackDigs: Barista: got a latte for “Batman”! Is there a “Batman” here? *everyone looks at me* Me [dressed as Batman]: that's not me, my name is Jack
@1followernodad: Can't wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
@FatherWithTwins: Me: Wow, 5k followers Wife: Is your top tweet still something I said? Me: Ya Wife: Then aren't they really MY followers? Me: *drinks heavily
@4handfuls: My kids always seem confident in making decisions until they have to decide which leg to put in their pants first...