Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
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I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
ok this is my dumbest yet
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.