Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
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ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
reduce, reuse, recycle
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“