doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
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I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Huge, if true.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears