Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
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When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Just so funny
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be