WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
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Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
How to properly lift a body
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?