With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
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how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Can Happiness buy money?
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Ron is short for Aaronald
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
I get distracted pretty eas
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.