my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
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When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
a public service announcement
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!