With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
You Might Also Like
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
There is no try. There is only give up.