With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
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The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters