With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
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If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Awesome parenting 😂
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.