Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
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a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
How do you milk an almond?
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce